A little something of mine

[Emmie]

I will start off by saying you've done a great job and it's a nice story. I do have some constructive criticism for you though, and I hope you take it to heart rather than getting offended. For that is not my intention! Teacher mode, on! Sorry. ^^

Firstly, paragraphing. I see that you've used indents in a few places, which is the type of paragraphing normally used in short stories. You use it quite sparingly though, and I think it would've had greater effect, and made it easier to read, if you used it more in certain situations. Like:
Character speaking and any action included with that speech or action instead of speech, like nodding. Example.

"both pushed to the extreme by her motions and sudden squeezing.
"Have never ... never.. felt this way before" the girls says as she gasps for air. <---- it gets its own paragraph
All her body shivering and twitching, her muscles relaxing and contracting at a pace that she has no control over, not anymore."

Change of time or place. Whenever you jump in time, or we find ourselves in a new place, move it to a new paragraph.
Adding some dramatical effect. Adding a moment of silence for example "Then there was silence." If it gets it's own paragraph, it makes more of an impact to the reader.

I also felt like you switched between saying the girl/boy and him/her, which got a bit confusing sometimes. And don't be afraid of using full stops. While there is no rule against long sentences and I've read a book that felt like just one massive sentence... Full stops are your friend, and if used correctly, will make the reading experience so much better for people.

I had a few more points, but I don't wanna make it more of a rant than it already is. Keep up the good work!