Detective of secrets IV: Pill Pusher

[Laertes1]

DETECTIVE OF SECRETS 4: THE PILL PUSHER

(Notice, IRL I am pretty neutral on the subject of drugs of illegal and legal kinds. But since this involves some commentary on the recent heroin epidemic, "viewer discretion is advised")

(easiest Detective of Secrets i've ever written)

Reid Bailley, Private Eye. I'd seen my share of junkies, but nothing quite like this. At least I get paid to put pushers like Jake into jail.

Rodney: HE EHHEHE hello Mr. BBBBailey. SSSS sorry about the SSSSTutter
Reid Bailley: No problem Rodney. You look like you took too much too fast, of something. What you need?
Rodney:: W WWWATER please.
Reid Baille: Water? not a cup of black coffee? First things first Rodney, here's your water. I've got my secretary Velma bringing it in the form of a cooler every other Friday.
Rodney: MMMMMMMMMMMMMM WATER
Reid Bailley: yes, er, water is good
Rodney: Sry Mr. Bailley, i took alot of Kratom. TOO MUCH Mr. BAILLEY
Reid: yes, i can tell. Is that your drug of choice?
Rodney: Yes, but i only take it when i'm stressed. I'm not a junkie! DON:T CALL ME A JUNKIE!
Reid: Sure Rodney. Maybe next time, just ease up a bit.
Rodney: WHY...sry i'll lower my voice. Why hadn't I have thought of that? Also why did I lace the kratom with a Monster Energy Drink!!! WHAT the (oh sorry) what's wrong with me Reid?
Reid: What's wrong indeed. Not that I"m a doctor, but i think if i was one i'd give you a prescription for heartbreak
(Rodney's eyes get even bigger than before) WHAAA ARE YOU A GOD? HOW YOU KNOW?
Reid: I wish, but the man upstairs only hears me out on Thurdsays, and this happens to be a Wednesday. (i chuckled, but only to lighten the mood) I've seen your kind many, many times. So, tell me, what's her name, what did she do, and what do you want me ta do about it?
Rodney: It's Jake. Jake is a funny one. got's those "drug heavy eyes" man. Jake is a smooth talker however. I didn't want to be controlling so I let my girlfriend Siana hang out with Jake to smoke weed. As you can tell, I prefer kratom. WHY YOU GIVE ME THAT LOOK MAN? MR> BAILLEY, i don't do heroin!
Reid: I never said you did Rodney. You seem a bit paranoid
Rodney: sry, that's the kratom talking. Yes, an unfortunate side effect
Reid: anyways, more of your story with Siana
Rodney: y yeeah so Siana chills at Jake's place on Mondays. That's the thing. She told me she just wanted the weed. bbbbbbut
Reid: yes?
Rodney:, now. now she wants to be peed. PEED ON! She's into piss fetishes!
Reid: hmm sounds kinky Rodney
Rodney: yeah, but that's not the worst of it! It has to be Jake's pee! bc his pee smells like weed! She's such a f*king junkie Mr. Bailley
Reid: Okay Rodney I see where this is going. Ironically, I hae the solution, but you might not like it. On the other hand, you might really like it. Rodney, the solution is kratom.
Rodney: Oh well i thought you were gonna do some blackmail mumbo jumbo, but i surely won't complain about your methods. What do you want me to do?
Reid: Just give me Jake's key and tell me when he's not around. Wer'e gonna lace his "dank" weed with a very very strong extract of kratom. And of course, Rodney, you know what kratom does, don't you
Rodney: yes, it's one of the worst diahrretics on the planet. But wait, won't that make him pee more? WFT REID are you ON HIS SIDE?
Reid: no, no, just look into my eyes Rodney. I"m not jake. you're having another episode
Rodney: oh yes, sry Mr. Dick
Reid: no prob. Trust me, there's a reason i'm the best private eye in the biz

(1 week later)
(Rodney walks in)
Rodney : SHIIIT! NO FUCKING WAY!!! SIANA GAVE UP JAKE!!!! HOW THE FUCK DO YOU DO THAT MAN!!!
Reid: well i already know what happened, but why don't you tell me Rodney. You, uh, have a way with words....
Rodney: ah man you should have been there bro. Jake and Siana were smoking and about to get into their piss fetish when Jake went bonkers ape shit crazy. He had to piss like a racehorse!! I thought you were on Jakes side there for a moment Mr. Dick but then I saw Jake's complexion, and the weed mixed with the uber strong kratom made him a fire hydrant level pisser! and he was paranoid as f**k too!
Reid: All part of my plan. Continue
Rodney: Jake had a ritual of pissing on Siana at a certain time, but since the kratom hit really fast, he had to piss really fast. The marijuana hit strong at about the same time and he thought Siana was a succubuss trying to suck every type of liquid out of every orifice!
Reid: yes, that's great. continue
Rodney: Siana had enough of that twisted piss junkie and is now dating me again. Thx bro!
Reid: of course. Thanks for the payment
Rodney: just one thing....
Reid, sure what is it....
Rodney: do you have any extra of that high potency kratom lying around? I mean, i'm not a junkie, i'm just curious is all




THE END 

(happy ending, the "dank weed Male Stalker" returned some Magic the Gathering cards i let him borrow.  Likely he will leave me alone
....for a few months!!! Let's hope forever.